Parenting

"Suppose you have a teenage son and your normal conversations went something like 'Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. [etc]' Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceep the deposits.

Now, supposd this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life, but the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical, and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel."

I'm reading a book called "Seven habits of highly effective people" and the author Stephen Covey was talking about the concept of the emotional bank account. He states that every relationship holds an account that represents trust in a relationship, and that one must make many deposits into this account in order to build strong, healthy relationships.

The concept is quite simple. Building relationships amounts to you doing things to build trust. Breaking them down requires actions that break down trust. However, this is not the point that I wanted to portray by sharing a piece of Covey's writing.

The point I wanted to make was the dynamic of the example that Covey portrays. "Clean your room. Do your homework. Get good grades." Sound familiar? Sounds like the voice of every parent that has ever tried to raise their child right. A voice that I'd probably end up raising when I become a dad myself.

However, how many of us had these kind of conversations the majority of our lives, and not have any other type of conversations? I, for one, can raise my hand. I can also raise my hand to the next question. How many of us, as a result of having only this type of dialog, have grown up not able to go to our parents for counsel?

It's a sad state of affairs, and for this reason, there was a time in my life when I wanted to get into psychology. Though I do have to admit, my original intent was to unscrew the tops of every parent out there and reprogram them to do a better job. But now, now I feel that this scenario is the epitome of the average american home, especially immigrant families.

It is sad to see so many kids simply unable to trust their parents, and it is sadder to see parents unable to get through to their kids. Both have seemingly resorted to manipulative shortcuts to get through challenges in life (e.g. parents threatening kids to study, kids lying to avoid punishment), and as a result, the relationship has been short-circuited by these 'quick fix' solutions.

And so I start to wonder, what needs to be done? What can be done TODAY, to start the healing process, and heal the relationships that are broken among children and parents, as well as prevent this type of heartache in the future? I don't really know, but I believe there certainly should be a raised awareness on the topic of communication and trust among families.

For the children who pass by each day in a home that feels like a warzone and have nowhere to find peace and some wisdom to help them in an already challenging life outside of home. For the parents who are trying their best to take care of their kids, but do not know to effective reach out to their kids and raise them in a home of love and trust. And for the future generations who repeat this unfortunate history time and time again.

For those of you reading this blog, it is my sincere hope that you all break out of the cycle. Don't fall into the lazy trap of forcing your way with your kids. They have thoughts and have a will. Guide it well, and raise them not only to be good people, but also good parents. Your descendants will thank you.